If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Hey I worked for it too!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.