I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”