All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey