I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Sharon, call the vet
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”