*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
nobody’s gonna understand
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.