*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair