Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Just how popey was the pope today?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.