If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.