Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
So we got a goldfish…
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”