Does this dress make me look cat?
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”