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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
what鈥檚 really going on
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i鈥檓 eating a frisbee
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
ugh fine
鈥 guess since i鈥檓 a
pisces i鈥檒l marry aquaman
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don鈥檛 understand how kids work