Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.