You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat