Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”