ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My dog ate my work from home.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.