A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
*gets down on one knee*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one