THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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The Weeknd is back
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.