I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Noted.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic