St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
is it earth
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.