me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
You are what you delete.
Donkey Kong sommelier
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO