“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.