People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.