*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Animal poetry
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Day 2 of my diet
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.