McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea