I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Feels like the fourth month in January
How to find Kentucky on a map
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”