Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Love this one 😂🧟
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.