[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]