I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*has no idea what a book even is*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Found my door mat
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.