how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
being a writer on Twitter:
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend