Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
This week’s mood.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.