[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.