My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I wish I were this cool 😂
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.