Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
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asking santa clause for nudes
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem