Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?