When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever