Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Van Gone
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
when you don’t want to be too vague
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.