Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.