Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Bed should get ready for ME
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again