Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.