At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
What about a To-Don’t List?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.