WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday