Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.