If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My love language is deader than Latin
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?