Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*