Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!