My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all