Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Anime is real
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,