My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice