Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.