I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”